Hi folks! Welcome back to Sunday Sundries, where I ramble at you about what I feel like!
Apologies for the lack of audio today. [edit: thanks to GenderMeowster for doing audio for me, go check out their streams at twitch.tv/GenderMeowster!]
Having a rough one, and struggling to write this, never mind read it.
Anyway, let’s talk about memory. Or lack thereof.
Until the last 2/3 years, I’ve always been able to rely on my memory. Short term and long term. Appointments and deadlines. Everything. Not to mention an entire dictionary and thesaurus up here.
But slowly, that’s leaving me. I used to make reminders as a backup, now they’re my first line, and I’m constantly having to check for things I’ve forgotten. My long term memory doesn’t save things so well, and my short term memory is about 50/50—and it’s also much shorter term now.
For example: when I read a book, I now have to constantly flip back to remind myself who characters are, or what happened that’s being referenced.
I already read most things digitally—my book library was a monster of a thing so it’s made sense to shift over. But now it’s all I can read because it takes me way less time to quickly search something up, than it does to try and find the right page in a print book.
Bear in mind that I also write stories. Wanna guess how well this goes now I can’t remember what just happened? I even forget the names of the main characters, which should tell you something.
It’s frustrating. But at least I’ve found a viable solution. I have to take more notes than ever when writing, because I know I’ll forget, but at least that helps.
But playing any sort of TTRPG game is a nightmare. I used to hold everything in my memory. Now I forget everything instead.
Cuddles and I are used to me being the RAM in the partnership, because she has very little short term memory and ADHD issues, so we’ve had to figure out extra ways around it all. I mean, the ways are still basically me remembering things, it just means many, many, many more reminders. And even then, I still manage to forget things.
My memory going from great to unreliable has been awful.
Worst, though, is the words.
I’ve always been a word hoarder. I love words. I love playing with them, using them, punning with them. But now I lose them—a lot.
The other day, I was trying to say something about nuts in pots (cashew nuts, which I snack on).
I said pouches instead of pots.
I tried to correct myself, but instead called nuts pouches.
I had to stop and force my brain to relax until the right word finally arrived.
This is a regular feature now. I reach for a word, and it’s just not there. I know it should be, and I can feel the shape of it, but…nothing. Cuddles helps by helping me find a similar word, or she can sometimes get the actual word, but it doesn’t make it any less frustrating and scary.
When I do this word mix-up thing, sometimes. the words are related somehow, but that could be anything from “in the same sort of group” (like forgetting “ear” and having to go through nose, mouth, teeth before getting it).
Sometimes it's a soundalike I come out with.
Sometimes it's just noises, like the syllables are putting themselves together in the wrong order. This also happens when reading (hence the lack of audio for today’s post). Everything will just disconnect and stop making sense.
Sometimes, I just cannot find even a synonym at all. I did a podcast interview the other week and forgot the words for both daughter and niece, when trying to mention my sister’s other kid after I mentioned her older one. Instead, I wound up with something like “female child” which…did not sound great.
And sometimes, I just entirely lose the thread of whatever I’m saying (or writing), and just grind to a halt like my clockworks need rewinding.
It's scary. I've always had and used words. I love them. I play with them, I write things with them, I pun with them. I try to turn them into beauty and entertainment (not necessarily at the same time, and not necessarily successfully, but I’ve at least been able to try).
It’s easier when typing, than it is when talking. The pathways between my brain and my keyboard are worse than they were and it takes me longer, but they’re still better than the ones between my brain and my mouth. Of course the question there is: for how long?
I tell you, it sometimes feels like there’s not one bit of me that isn’t trying to break down somehow. But losing my words…that’s kind of the worst possible thing.
I don’t know what this is. I waited 2yrs to see a neurologist about this and my tremors. The tremors, she has diagnosed as a “benign essential tremor”, which at least ruled out much scarier things. She listened though, and referred me for a brain MRI (basically, she said seeing as I have this memory thing, and bipolar, and we don’t have a scan, we might as well get one just to look at it) and to the memory clinic.
So I’m having that brain MRI later this month, and have a couple of minor hoops to jump through to get the memory clinic referral through. Not sure how long that wait will be, though. Hopefully before I lose too much more of my brain!
It’s exhausting and stressful and I hate it.
And that is all I’ve got today. I turned away for a few moments, and now I can’t find a less abrupt finish than that one. My (lack of) memory in action!
Anyway, I’ll see you next time. Please don’t you forget (heh) to subscribe and share!
When I hit 100 subscribers, I’ll release a special subscriber-only treat (no paywall, just not available to non-subscribers)!