Sunday Sundries: More Than Just Existing

Actually living is on a whole different level

CW: talk of suicidal ideation & death, self-harm, alcohol

I've spent a lot of time thinking about death. Wanting to be dead. Wanting to be brave enough to die.

I've tried a couple of times but it's never gone quite right. I was never quite able to get past that tiny spark that whispered “Yeah, but, what if…”

What if I die now, when I feel this low, but in doing so I miss something wonderful. What if the things I need are waiting in my future, I just have to get there!

What if…

Don't knock that fear of missing out. It's kept me alive!

But a lot of time has been spent wanting to be unmade. Not to die, but to be dead, those are very different things.

What I want in these moments is to just not exist anymore.

Take me to the void and scatter my atoms to the far-flung reaches of space. Maybe their next stop will be something better than me. But I won't care anymore because I won't…anything anymore.

Just make it like I never existed. Never fucked up. Never hurt people. Never got hurt. Just erase me completely.

I just want to be nothing.

Atomsssssss go bye bye (Photo by Guillaume Meurice)

It's not a constant thing now, though it does come back on low days, as invasive as ever.

But that little voice in my head, that whisper, it's stronger now. Because I did survive. And wonderful things did happen. It was right and that makes it much harder to ignore or throw a blanket over to shut it up.

Today, if I were to tell Cuddles or a friend that I wanted to not exist anymore (which I have, when it gets bad I now talk about it), they'd tear apart the earth itself to help me.

Because I do more than just exist now. Well, OK, some days I still do. Some days that's all I can manage. And some days all I want is for it all to just stop. The pain, the struggle, they're daily things, they just differ in intensity, and sometimes they all come in so close that I wish myself gone. Not dead. Just…gone, like I was never here to begin with.

Once upon a time I used to self-harm to shove the bad things away. The yawning pit of depression. The pathway ahead that was nothing but thorns and traps. Even self-harming couldn't 'fix' those things, but it could push them aside for a while.

I self-harmed from about 7 years old, to my mid-twenties.

In my early twenties, I had a total mental breakdown. I was fortunate to, at the same time, find friends who tried to lift me up, and who were there for me, and didn't judge me. I put a lot on those people, and they used their ability to see the me inside the monster I thought I was, to give me love, and boundaries, and help. I owe them the existence I have now.

But my self-harm got really bad during that period. Where before there was always some anger, but mostly a craving for release, I let the anger come to the fore. And I drank. A lot.

I wound up at the hospital to be patched up so many times that the staff started to recognise me.

I spent a night in a cell because the hospital wouldn't keep me.

The person at the hospital who had reviewed my mental health actually said if I come back later with cuts needing stitches then they’ll fix me up and send me home. She was incredibly fucking patronising, and both me and the friend with me were desperate to punch her in the face, but we didn’t.

But, the police who'd taken me there couldn't just let me go because the hospital had basically refused their duty of care, so the police had to stand on theirs. So: I got a cell for the night, with the door open and someone sat outside.

Anyway, for many reasons (not all listed here) I came, eventually, to a question: was this who and what I wanted to be? This mess? This pile of drunken, bloody scars? Was this what I wanted to offer the world and the people around me who hurt with me when I was hurting? Was this who I was?

The answer was no. It really wasn't.

So, in an act of extreme faith, I bundled up my self-harm kit and threw it away.

Symbolic, sure. I could easily have made a new one, and I wasn't above grabbing whatever sharp object I could find in the kitchen. But that move was my answer to the question.

And that act gave me just a small blossoming area of peace inside.

Getting over the addiction to cutting was hard. As was dealing with my alcohol problem (that's some fun for another day though). But I did.

The desire still rises up when I'm in those dark places. But the last time I tried it, a number of years after stopping, it did nothing. I just bled. The pain I used to relish was just…pain.

Navigating my way around all this is hard. I still have those thoughts; they're common, and often intrusive. But when they're getting too much, I bring them out of my head. I tell Cuddles what's happening. I tell friends I'm struggling. And they help me the same way I help them when they need it: however they can.

Enough of my rambling! I’ve had to delete entire sections where I went totally off topic. I'm no miracle cure and I have plenty of bad times.

But I have a new thing now, that sometimes just hits me right in the chest.

I have so much. I waited it out, and I have so much love. I'm afraid to die.

I have Cuddles. I have incredible friends. I have 3 cats and a dog.

I have found out who/what I am.

I'm doing good things.

I don't want this to go away.

Yeah, I still sometimes get to wishing I'd never existed. But the reasons have evolved. I want that so Cuddles and my friends wouldn't have to hurt, if I just died (at my own hand or something else).

But I'm also afraid to miss out on all the things still coming.

I was a lonely, scared, mess. And now I'm a scared mess that is loved deeply, has done some really cool things, and has plans for the future.

I never really thought I'd have a future. Figured I'd either be dead, or just continue stuck in the mud, unable to move or make a decision or see past it to the paths ahead.

But check it out! I made a decision. One big decision. I went to Keele University. I moved to an entirely new place where I knew nobody, and studied.

And I came out the other side, after much pain and nonsense, with a 2:1 BA in Philosophy and History.

But even that wasn’t enough to let me look for a future. Finishing Uni, I was once again lost for what to do.

But some friends I’d made stuck around—some of them I’d met online and they lived far away, but I kept a couple from Keele as well. I slowly began carving out some sort of life. Things went to shit again because of my mental health, and the flat I was renting was sold out from under me. But I faced the challenges, friends helped me find a place to live, Cuddles and I got together…

Basically, now I’m afraid to go to sleep and not wake up again, or to have some sickness or accident or whatever take me out.

When I feel like I want to not exist, I pull together in my head all of the things and people I have to find reasons to stay.

New future! Zzzzzzooooom {Photo by Jonathan Petersson)

My life now is mostly good. It has its trials—plenty of them entirely unrelated to my disabilities or pain or mental health, which was something weird to get used to. But I love, and am loved, by so many wonderful and special people, and four wonderful and special animals.

I don’t want to leave them. I also don’t want to go with so many things left unfinished. So much creativity to get out of my head and into the world—even if nobody ever cares (and they don’t, nobody has ever really been a fan of me and my work—like, there’s nobody who isn’t already in my circles reading or following what I do), I will have done the Things, and they will still be accomplishments I can be proud of.

Hey so this got long and personal! If you’re still with me, thank you.

I’m here telling you this because one day you or someone you love might be struggling. They might need that small voice, whispering that it will get better, just keep going. It might be that you need to be that voice, as you grab hold and help drag them out of the mud, before you start up your twin chainsaws and cut through those thorns to the better path. If this piece might help someone you know, send it to them. Nobody should feel like I have, for so much of my life.

I guess that’s all for today! See you Wednesday!