Sunday Sundries: Samson Was An Idiot
All brawn, zero brain
Hi folks, welcome back to Sunday Sundries, where I talk about whatever’s on my mind.
Today: Samson. Yep, the bible dude. Nope, I don’t know why this is what’s in my head today, it just is!
CW: I’m gonna be having some lighthearted fun insulting Samson’s intelligence. If that’s gonna be an issue, this is where you should get off and I’ll see you next time.
First of all, who is Samson? If you know, skip this bit. If not:
Samson was a dude in the Old Testament. These are the verses from Judges that tell his tale (NIV translation).
Basically…he’s Herakles. Demigods aren’t a thing in the Abrahamic religions, but being blessed by the Lord with the same type of powers is. Samson is dedicated at birth, and given immense strength in return. Full story at the link above, it doesn’t need me retelling the whole thing.
I just want to talk about Delilah.
First of all, I cannot think of Samson and Delilah without my brain going immediately to this Weetabix advert from my childhood:
Anyway, now I’ve got that stuck in your head (you’re welcome), let’s talk about this.
Because Samson falls in love with Delilah, and his enemies offer her a ton of cash to figure out how to get rid of his strength so they can kill him. So far, so very Old Testament.
But like I said, Samson? Not that bright. So that all kinda goes like this:
Delilah: Tell me darling, how do you come by such strength and how might one—hypothetically of course—remove it?
Samson: Oh, just tie me up with seven fresh, undried bowstrings.
Delilah: *gets these from the enemies and ties Samson up* Oh Samson, your enemies are here!
Samson: *easily breaks free and pummels the Philistines*
Delilah: *pouting* I can’t believe you LIED to me! You asshole! I am HUMILIATED! Tell me how to hypothetically, having nothing at all to do with anything about me already trying to weaken you and the Philistines just happening to show up at that exact moment, subdue you?
Samson: Eh, just tie me up with seven brand new, never before used, ropes, and I’ll be weak as a kitten.
Delilah: *ties Samson up in seven brand new ropes the enemies bring her* Oh no, Samson, your enemies are here!
Samson: *breaks free like he was wrapped in wet tissue paper and pummels the Philistines*
Delilah: What the fuck Samson? You LIED to me AGAIN! That didn't work AT ALL! I DEMAND that you make this up to me by telling me the REAL way to remove your strength for ENTIRELY innocent reasons!
Samson: Alright, alright, just weave these seven braids on my head into the loom and I’ll be stuck.
Delilah: *weaves braids into loom* Oh noes! Samson, your enemies, they’re here. Again. Coincidentally.
Samson: *breaks free and pummels them again*
Delilah: *apoplectic with rage* SAMSON HOW THE FUCK DO I GET RID OF YOUR STRENGTH YOU LYING ASSHOLE! YOU CAN’T SAY YOU LOVE ME AND NOT TELL ME HOW TO MAKE IT SO PEOPLE CAN KILL YOU EVEN THOUGH IT’S ABSOLUTELY CLEAR BY NOW THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’M TRYING TO MAKE HAPPEN! *continues in this vein for a solid day or so*
Samson: Fucking hell, fine! My strength is in my hair. It’s not been cut since birth because I was dedicated to the Lord, and if it’s shaved off I’ll lose all my strength. Can I, please, go to sleep now?
Delilah: *quickly and entirely unsuspiciously sends a message to the leader of the Philistines* Oh yes my darling, sleep well… *shaves his head in his sleep* Oh Samson, darling, the Philistines are back!
Samson: *attempts to pummel everyone but realises he is now bald and therefore has no strength. Is pummeled and blinded and captured instead* Well. Fuck. Who could possibly ever have seen this coming?
But of course Samson is not the only not-so-smart person in this story. Because he’s then kept locked up long enough for his hair to grow back, and when he’s brought out to entertain the rich assholes and asks to be stood by the pillars which support the rich asshole seating area, he just shoves them and everyone is dropped on his head, and he dies.
So, like, shoutout to the Health and Safety department there, good job with the supporting pillars. And great job to whoever forgot about the hair thing.
Anyway! That’s all for today. It’s nice to just do some mild snark sometimes, and I hope you enjoyed it too.
Til next time, please remember to subscribe and share! And maybe tell me what classic tales you find particularly ridiculous when pared down to its bones!