Sunday Sundries: Tic Toc

Goes the cloc...

Hello! Welcome to Sunday Sundries! This is the one where I talk about whatever comes to mind.

CW: neurotypical ableism, physical abuse to coerce masking

We're talking about neurodiverse tics and stims today. It's a large and complex topic, and I'll leave a couple of links at the bottom for further reading—just some places to begin.

But before I start my ramble, a little preface from GenderMeowster:

Meowdy folks, this is GenderMeowster. I wanted to share a little preface to the writing and/or listening you’re about to experience. Lee sent me a draft of this a couple weeks ago and I was really grateful to receive this very personal sharing about experiences with being neurodivergent, with tics, with people, sort of, behaving in ways to make you suppress what your body naturally wants you to do. And I think it’s really powerful to have conversations like this.

One thing that we, kind of, learn in Meowster’s Clowder, which is a Discord server that I started and Lee helps me run, is the power of neurodivergent people sharing about their experiences with one another, and normalising it. And there’s a really great list of very specific tics and habits and patterns that Lee has gone through, and uses to cope, or doesn’t anymore for different reasons, and you’ll read about that.

But, I just wanted to say that, yeah, if you’re, kind of, curious about this, or you don’t really know if it’s a great plan for you to be reading it, I think it’s good for anybody. Whether you think you’re neurodivergent or not, you know, you might come to realise that some of these things are relatable.

And I really did, sort of, go through an awakening process when I started reading memes and writings and hearing stories of neuorodivergent people and how they, sort of, do things. So, anyways, I hope you’ll enjoy this writing, it is really well done, and make sure to leave lots of comments and love, cause it’s really vulnerable to talk about this kind of stuff, especially in public, with your name on it.

So let’s give Lee lots of love in the comments, and don’t forget to hit that subscribe button so that you can get more of these Sunday Sundries sent to your inbox!

Thanks Meowster. Back to me!

I recently read “Beasts of Prey” and “Beasts of Ruin” by Ayana Gray. It's a great duology, with magic and creatures and a quest to hunt down a great beast called the Shetani.

One of the main characters, Ekon, exhibits various signs of both OCD and Autism. Neither are actually applied to him in the book, they're just a part of who he is, but it made me think. He tries to mask his tics and neurodivergence, even from his brother, who gets annoyed by them. And it's so sad, how shocked he is when someone tells him it's fine to do the things.

Don’t make people do this around you

Visible tics are often so maligned by the neurotypical that almost anyone with a neurodiverse brain that needs them is shamed into hiding them. This causes serious problems. Having a meltdown or being unable to go where there are people because you're unable to self-soothe without being shamed for it is an inevitable part of life for a lot of us.

And I'm no different. I’ve had tics as long as I can remember. I was also encouraged (harshly at times) to stop doing them.

Having a meltdown or being unable to go where there are people because you're unable to self-soothe without being shamed for it is an inevitable part of life for a lot of us.

• I used to pooch up my lips and kinda stretch my upper lip to my nose, and move my mouth muscles around to stretch them. That got me shamed, teased, and told off. So, first I learned to do it in secret, then I forced myself to suppress it entirely.

• Once, I picked up the habit of crossing my fingers. I'd cross them all, play with what fingers could cross over which, and generally fidget like that. I had my fingers taped straight, until I stopped doing it.

So, I took to more silent stimming and tics.

• It's rare that every bit of me is still. Generally something is going: bouncing a knee, twitching my ankle, etc. I also, while I'm thinking, sometimes twiddle my fingers. But one time a few years back a friend just made a comment that indicated they noticed me doing it; they weren't even being mean or judging at all, but it was enough to make me start suppressing it, because by this point anything like that, anyone pointing out a tic or stim, is more than enough reason for me to try and force myself to stop.

• I used to bite the inside of my cheeks until they bled. I relished the pain, and I would also get anxious if I hadn't bitten them anew each day. I got rid of that habit years ago, but it came back last year. Now I can't get rid of it again.

• I count things in 5s. Steps, words or syllables in text with 5 letters, and also syllables in speech.

Correct Number!

• Also, in text I mentally cut things into boxes. For example, show me 2 lines of text, and I will box it in—top, middle bottom, sides—then see how many times I can cut the contained words into smaller boxes, by finding gaps between the lines that match.

• I must eat bites of food alternately on each side, using the same number of chews.

• If I'm talking or watching something I really struggle if I can't do something with my hands—so that might be stim & fidget toys, or playing something my phone. I'm still paying 95% of my attention, but I need that extra bit for my brain to focus. And if something distracts me more than 5%, I'll immediately lose the thread of whatever else was happening.

Anyway, you probably get the idea. I'll stop before I start dissecting my very exacting rules about crisps and other snacks…

…accepting a neurodiverse label such as ADHD or Autism doesn't change who you are! Rather it unlocks the doors and opens up the possibilities and freedoms of who you could be.

Right now you're probably in one of 3 groups:

1. “Samesies”—not necessarily identical, just, “yep, know that shit”, either because you’re neurodiverse, or you love people who are and they trust you with their tics and stims.

2. Staring in confusion because you're neurotypical and this stuff sounds super weird to you. This is a great chance to learn if that's you—I've dropped some links at the bottom to help you get started.

3. Or you might be reading and going “Wait, what the fuck? I do shit like that! What does that mean?!” Well, it maybe means you’re neurodiverse in some way. Or you’re not and you just do tics and stims to self-soothe.

If you're in group 3, don't worry. It can take a while to figure this stuff out, but whatever else you are, you're far from alone.

And remember accepting a neurodiverse label such as ADHD or Autism doesn't change who you are! Rather it unlocks the doors and opens up the possibilities and freedoms of who you could be.

So read up a bit, talk to your neurospicy friends, find a community on social media to listen and chat to. Don't let “but surely I must have a diagnosis!” or “why did this never come up before??” get in the way.

Because for the first? Just nah. So many people simply cannot get a doctor's diagnosis, for a multitude of reasons. That's not to say you shouldn't try, go right ahead and if you can that's great. But understand that a lot of us can't get that, and there are those who will try and gatekeep us because of it. Just don't make that your final goal. Your goal is to find who you are, and learn how to draw closer to that self.

It actually tends to make things easier, when you start learning what you need, instead of trying to need what others tell you that you should.

Spinny thing go Spin!

• You can use that mobility aid.

• You can spin that spinny thing.

• You can tap out morse code while you watch TV.

• You can check the doorhandle three times to be sure it's locked.

• You can eat your meals on a tray with divided sections so none of it touches.

• You can do whatever you need to do to make you feel secure, comfortable, and happy, so you can focus on the rest of your life instead.

But we can't do this conversation without also talking about masking. So much of what might show we're neurodiverse gets stomped out and we're forced to mask and create strategies to deal with it. Whether it's rocking to self-soothe, or getting yourself a lamp for softer light, there are things you can do to make your life easier. Things your masked self has been begging for. When you start to pull off those masks, it can be scary, but don't let that stop you. There's a better place up ahead.

Of course, shaming and forced concealment of tics and stims aren't the only things neurodiverse people deal with. But that's for another day.

In the meantime, if you got this far, please come and join in the chat (that I just opened for the first time—clicky here to install!). It's safe there, and you can share your experiences with tics and masking as much as you like.

And please, share this post—to your neurodiverse friends, and your neurotypical friends. Hit the button to tweet or toot or post wherever you post your things. Scroll another tiny bit to get the suggested reading list. And thank you again for reading!

I can’t cover a topic like this without leaving you some places to go, so here’s a couple of reads I’d recommend—but do please do find your own. Just beware, when reading up, of anyone talking about cures, or tics and stimming as a problem that needs to be managed. And avoid Autism Speaks and ABA at all costs.

Suppressing stimming for social acceptance has negative impact - Sarah Cox

ADHD, Tics & Me! - Susan Ozer & Inyang Takon

Workplace NeuroDiversity Rising by Lyric Rivera